Wednesday, April 27, 2005


Sunday, April 24, 2005


It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.

She said, "I miss you."

I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."

She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.

I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it.

After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade

The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep.

She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year

The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step! I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.


Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:

I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me!

I wish I did too... I thought to my self, and I cried.

I Love You

Monday, April 18, 2005

Different Culture

When this....

turn to...

Monday, April 11, 2005

Yesterday, i had nothing to do so i'm just browsing some of Mac websites and looking for some information about Mac Mini. By the end of the searching, i'm really interested on how Mac Mini's owners set up their on Mac. This is one of best set up i ever see :

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Now Listening To....

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Another Sad Story.....

Kisah Kasih...

Aku cuma ada seorang adik. Usianya tiga tahun
lebih muda daripada
aku. Suatu hari, untuk mendapatkan sehelai sapu
tangan yang menjadi
keperluan anak gadis ketika itu, aku ambil 50 sen
dari poket seluar

Petang itu, pulang saja dari sekolah - ayah
memanggil kami berdua.
Dia meminta aku dan adik berdiri di tepi dinding.
Aku menggeletar
melihat rotan panjang sedepa di tangan
ayah. "Siapa ambil duit
ayah?" tanya ayah bagai singa lapar. Aku
langsung tidak berdaya
menentang renungan tajam mata ayah. Kedua-dua
kami membisu, cuma
tunduk memandang lantai. "Baik, kalau tak
mengaku, dua-dua ayah
rotan!" sambung ayah sambil mengangkat tangan
untuk melepaskan
pukulan sulungnya ke belakang aku. Tiba-tiba,
adik menangkap tangan
ayah dengan kedua-dua belah tangannya sambil
berkata, "Saya yang
ambil!" Belum sempat adik menarik nafas selepas
mengungkapkan kata-
kata itu, hayunan dan balunan silih berganti
menghentam tubuh adik.
Aku gamam, lidah kelu untuk bersuara. Walau
perit menahan sakit,
setitis pun air mata adik tak tumpah. Setelah puas
melihat adik
terjelepok di lantai, ayah merungut: "Kamu sudah
mula belajar
mencuri di rumah sendiri. Apakah lagi perbuatan
kamu yang akan
memalukan ayah di luar kelak?"

Malam itu, emak dan aku tak lepas-lepas
mendakap adik. Belakangnya
yang berbirat dipenuhi calar-balar cuba kami ubati.
Namun adik cukup
tabah. Setitis pun air matanya tidak mengiringi
kesakitan yang
mencucuk-cucuk. Melihat keadaan itu, aku
meraung sekuat hati, kesal
dengan sikap aku yang takut berkata benar. Adik
segera menutup
mulutku dengan kedua-dua belah tangannya lalu
berkata, "Jangan
menangis kak, semuanya dah berlalu!" Aku
mengutuk diri sendiri
kerana tidak mampu membela adik.

Tahun bersilih ganti, peristiwa adik dibelasah
kerana mempertahankan
aku bagaikan baru semalam berlaku. Adik
mendapat tawaran belajar ke
sekolah berasrama penuh dan aku pula ditawarkan
menyambung pelajaran
ke peringkat pra-universiti. Malam itu ayah duduk
di bawah cahaya
lampu minyak tanah bersama ibu di ruang tamu.
Aku terdengar ayah
berkata, "Zah, kedua-dua anak kita cemerlang
dalam pelajaran. Abang
bangga sekali!" "Tapi apalah maknanya bang...!"
aku terdengar ibu
teresak-esak. "Di mana kita nak cari duit
membiayai mereka?" Ketika
itulah adik keluar dari biliknya. Dia berdiri di depan
ayah dan
ibu. "Ayah, saya tak mahu ke sekolah lagi!"
Perlahan-lahan ayah
bangun, membetulkan ikatan kain pelekatnya dan
merenung wajah emak,
kemudian wajah adik dalam-dalam.
Panggggg....sebuah penampar singgah
di pipi adik. Seperti biasa yang mampu aku
lakukan ialah menutup
muka dan menangis. "Kenapa kamu ni? Tahu tak,
kalau ayah terpaksa
mengemis kerana persekolahan kamu, ayah akan

"Orang lelaki kena bersekolah. Kalau tak, dia
takkan dapat membawa
keluarganya keluar daripada kemiskinan," aku
memujuk adik tatkala
menyapu minyak pada pipinya yang
bengkak. "Kakak perempuan...biarlah
kakak yang berhenti." Tiada siapa yang
menyangka, dinihari itu adik
tiada dibiliknya. Dia membawa bersamanya
beberapa helai baju lusuh
yang dia ada. Di atas pangkin tempat dia lelapkan
mata, terdapat
sehelai kertas yang tercatat..... "Kak...untuk dapat
peluang ke
universiti bukannya mudah. Saya cari kerja dan
akan kirim wang buat
akak.." Apa lagi yang saya tahu selain meraung.
Ayah termenung, jelas
dia cukup kecewa. Begitu juga emak yang
menggunakan air matanya
memujuk ayah.

Suatu petang ketika berehat di asrama, teman
sebilik menerpa: "Ada
pemuda kampung tunggu kau kat luar!" "Pemuda
kampung?" bisikku.
"Siapa?" Tergesa-gesa aku keluar bilik. Dari jauh
aku nampak adik
berdiri dengan pakaian comotnya yang dipenuhi
lumpur dan simen.
"Kenapa sebut orang kampung, sebutlah adik
yang datang!" Sambil
tersenyum dia menjawab, "Akak lihatlah pakaian
adik ni. Apa yang
akan kawan-kawan akak kata kalau mereka tahu
saya adik kakak?"
Jantungku terasa berhenti berdenyut
mendengarkan jawapannya. Aku
cukup tersentuh. Tanpa sedar, air jernih mengalir
di pipi. Aku kibas-
kibas bebutir pasir dan tompokan simen pada
pakaian adik. Dalam
suara antara dengar dan tidak, aku
bersuara, "Akak tak peduli apa
orang lain kata." Dari kocek seluarnya, adik
keluarkan sepit rambut
berbentuk kupu-kupu. Dia mengenakan pada
rambutku sambil berkata
"Kak, saya tengok ramai gadis pakai sepit macam
ni, saya beli satu
untuk akak.."Aku kaku. Sepatah kata pun tak
terucap. Aku rangkul
adik dan dadanya dibasahi air mataku yang tak
dapat ditahan-tahan.

Tamat semester, aku pulang ke kampung
sementara menunggu konvokesyen.
Aku lihat tingkap dan dinding rumah bersih, tak
seperti selalu.
"Emak, tak payahlah kerja teruk-teruk bersihkan
rumah sambut saya
balik." "Adik kamu yang bersihkan. Dia pulang
kelmarin. Habis
tangannya luka-luka." Aku menerpa ke biliknya.
Cantik senyum adik.
Kami berdakapan. "Sakit ke?" aku bertanya
tatkala memeriksa luka
pada tangannya. "Tak....Kak tahu, semasa bekerja
sebagai buruh
kontrak, kerikil dan serpihan simen jatuh seperti
hujan menimpa
tubuh saya sepanjang masa. Kesakitan yang
dirasa tidak dapat
menghentikan usaha saya untuk bekerja keras."
Apalagi...aku menangis
seperti selalu.

Aku berkahwin pada usia menginjak 27 tahun.
Suamiku seorang usahawan
menawarkan jawatan pengurus kepada
adik. "Kalau adik terima jawatan
tu, apa kata orang lain?" kata adik. "Adik takde
pelajaran. Biarlah
adik bekerja dengan kelulusan yang adik
ada." "Adik tak ke sekolah
pun kerana akak." kata ku memujuk. "Kenapa
sebut kisah lama, kak?"
katanya ringkas, cuba menyembunyikan
kesedihannya. Adik terus
tinggal di kampung dan bekerja sebagai petani
setelah ayah tiada.
Pada majlis perkahwinannya dengan seorang
gadis sekampung, juruacara
majlis bertanya, "Siapakah orang yang paling anda
sayangi?" Spontan
adik menjawab, "Selain emak, kakak
saya...."katanya lantas
menceritakan suatu kisah yang langsung tidak ku
ingati. "Semasa sama-
sama bersekolah rendah, setiap hari kami berjalan
kaki ke sekolah.
Suatu hari tapak kasut saya tertanggal. Melihat
saya hanya memakai
kasut sebelah, kakak membuka kasutnya dan
memberikannya pada saya.
Dia berjalan dengan sebelah kasut. Sampai di
rumah saya lihat akinya
berdarah sebab tertikam tunggul dan calar-
balar." "Sejak itulah saya
berjanji pada diri sendiri. Saya akan lakukan apa
saja demi
kebahagiaan kakak saya itu. Saya berjanji akan
menjaganya sampai
bila-bila." Sebaik adik tamat bercerita, aku meluru
ke pelamin,
mendakap adik sungguh-sungguh sambil meraung
bagaikan diserang

Monday, April 4, 2005

Aventure - Obsesion Video (click the pic)

Saturday, April 2, 2005

TaKe OuT sOmE tImE to ReAd tHiS...
it's ReaLi WorTh Ur TiMe... thx~!!!

This is a story about a girl who fell in love with her
best friend..

Jin and I are best fren..we do anything that best
fren do...One day, i realised that i love him... so i
decided to confessed this feeling to him one nite
where we camp with other frens... he said yes, he
would be my boyfren..

So we went on like other couple's life does. Watch
movie, walk in park, eat together, go to beach....
but life's not fun as when we are still best fren....
he also doesnt talk much, or act like we are best
fren, close and share everything... for me, he is
not a suitable or loving a boyfren... but i kept quietly
this on my mind...

But since the day he bcome my boyfren, he every
single day would give me a small teddy bear...At
first i thought it was lovely, but till now, i wonder
why he would gav me this...

One day, i was walking alone at a park. Then i saw
Jin talking to another gurl. I walk towards him and i
overheard him saying "i love u' to the gurl. I was
really angry and i run home coz Jin never told me
he love me all the time we been boyfren and

Then, midnite that day, he come to my house and
i open the door. He just passed me the teddy
bear that he used to give me everyday and said
sorry coz i didn't giv u this today. i was really
angry and i shouted at him,

"Why u alwiz giv me this crap? All i wan to hear
from u is... "I love you" that's it, izit too hard???"

Jin kept quiet. He took my hand and place the
teddy bear on my palm and left away..i throw the
teddy bear into my cupboard.

The next day, Jin asked me out. We meet at bus
stop near my house..i walk there and then he just
gav me a big teddy bear, my anger was still in high
position, and i throw the teddy to the middle of the
road. He keep quiet and then he go to the middle
of the road and pick the teddy up. He dint realise a
truck was coming towards him. I shouted at him
not to pick it up and he was about look at
me, and...........................


"JIN!!!!!!" I shouted... the next minute he was lying
on the road, covered with blood. He was sent to the
hospital but it's too late...i lost him...forever....

After attended his funeral, i went back home and i
hug all the teddy bear he gav me since the day we
became couples... i counted the teddy bear one by
1...2....3...101...230....300..364...and the last
teddy bear he gave covered with his blood was the
365th... it had been a year we became couple... i
squeeze the teddy bear with the tears flow....

*I love you~*
*I love you~*
*I love you~*

I was shocked.. i looked at the teddys... and i take
one of it, and try to press on his tummy..

*I love you~*
*I love you~*

I tried each and every teddy bear he gav me...

*I love you~*
*I love you~*
*I love you~*
*I love you~*
*I love you~*
*I love you~*......................

And the biggest and the last teddy bear Jin gave
me, I squeeze his big tummy...

*felicia, today is our very first annivery being a
couple after a year... i always love you, yesterday,
today, and forever........ I love you....*

I dropped the teddy bear........
I never realised that Jin had actually told me those
words.. every single day.... till today...

I slowly picked the teddy and i whispered to the
teddy's ear..

"i love you too, Jin..and i always did........"